I woke up this morning at 5:15am ready to fight. I knew if I didn't I would only slip further back into the pit I've spent the last 3 months climbing out of. Why the need for such tenacity? Well, the last 4 weeks have been rough physically. Really rough. Probably the worst I've ever felt since I was pregnant with Alex. Long story short, after finding out I have 2 cysts and a fibroid & dealing with whatever crazy, hormonally wacky symptoms came along with them (hellooooooo irregular painful periods! How U doin?), I started feeling like my internal thermostat was turned to HELL. I'm 28 years old-what the french toast am I doing having such intense hot flashes? Maybe I shouldn't say hot flashes...they were & still are more like periods of intense sweating. Just getting ready to go somewhere, doing routine things around my apartment, reading a story to the boys, or brushing my teeth would have me sweating like I had just run the Boston Marathon. Have you ever had rain-drop sized beads of sweat on your face, pouring down your back AFTER you've gotten dressed and put your kids in the car? If you haven't I don't wish it on you, and if you have, I empathize completely.....
Sorry for the sweat tangent, as you can tell, it's traumatized me a little...where was I? Oh yes-feeling like crap. So excessive sweating? Check. Headaches? Check. Overwhelming, narcoleptic type fatigue? Check. Hair falling out? (I comb/wash my hair and when I'm done, it's clogged my shower drain and it looks like I have a rug on my floor.) Check. Mood swings & irritability? Check & check. (I considered changing my middle name to "On Edge") Forgetfulness? I've lost count of how many times in the past month I've forgotten the simplest things, like MY NAME, or how I've wasted large chunks of time wandering around Wal-Mart, Target, and even my apartment because I've forgotten what I went there to get or was looking for. Needless to say, post-its and the notepad on my Crackberry have become my best friends, so CHECK! Nausea? Check. Aches in my joints? CHECK. Feeling like something is stuck in my throat? CHECK. The right side of my neck bulging out? CHECK.
(sigh) Like I said, it's been rough. So in between trying to take care of myself & the boys with ZERO energy, school 4 days a week, work for my client (who is having one of the busiest months ever), and back to back doctor appointments to try to figure out what's going on, I've....had a relapse of sorts. I fell off the wagon. I stopped working all components of my "get healthy" plan.
Feeling like crap meant no workouts. As a matter of fact, I tried once a couple of weeks ago out of sheer resolve to not be overtaken, only to realize I was kidding myself. I made it through all three levels of Bob's BL Bootcamp, but paid a dear price afterwards. As a result of not working out, I'm back up to 177lbs-thanks also in part to my giving in to cravings and not cooking as much as I should be-yikes! Feeling like I could sleep at any moment if I dared let my eyes close for more than a 1.5 seconds meant the morning prayer routine I had developed suffered; I was back to hitting the snooze button, talking to God in between snores or while I was in the car on my way to class. It took me fighting sleep/fatigue/laziness for 2 years before I finally saw victory, so to say I'm disappointed with myself over this is putting it mildly. Having moments where I felt l could snap at any sec didn't do me any good at trying to "be present" with my boys, or help me when I wanted to scream at Brennan because he asked me for the 20th time if he could wear his Toy Story 3 underwear....or keep me from wanting to cry when Alex thought his dinner served a better purpose by being on the floor instead of in his stomach digesting like I wanted it to. (sigh) My therapist was sick one week, so we've been playing phone tag, trying to reschedule ever since-between doc appointments & school therapy just got bumped down the priority list, so that's all outta wack....When I finally looked at myself in the mirror last week, I just said, "Girl you're a wreck-get it together before you lose all the ground you've gained sista."
The past 4 weeks hasn't all been bad. There have been bright moments: An A on my Psych test, Brennan getting his first pair of glasses-and ROCKIN them, Alex squealing in delight over his a toy he got for his birthday that he loves playing with, went to the beach on Easter....and a commitment better health has yielded some positive results as well: I'm getting pieces to the "what's wrong with me puzzle". Turns out my thyroid is "enlarged" but apparently functioning normally according to lab results. And that "something is stuck in my throat-OUCH" feeling? The initial feedback is thyroid nodules-completely common and according to my doc, shouldn't be causing me any issues. But she doesn't understand why I'm having the other symptoms...so more blood work, more specialists, more chipping away at the block until we find the answer.....
So in the midst of all of that, like I said I relapsed. I got consumed by how awful I was feeling and even though I kept functioning, I went back into "surviving life" mode instead of staying in the "living life" mode I was working my way to being in the past few months.
So today, I woke up ready to fight my way back through the brush back to the path I was on before I took this detour. And fight I did. Prayer. Made breakfast. Got boys fed, dressed, & Brennan to school by 7:45. Morning run with Alex in the stroller done by 9. Client work. Lunch. Read Psalms 1-4 with Alex. Tried to teach him how to say "toes" "foot" "hand" "fingers" before we both fell into blissful sleep. Picked up around the apartment, made dinner. Picked up Brennan & some Rita's Water Ice for dessert. Dinner involved said dessert & some Yo Gabba Gabba. Baths-my client called during bathtime and needed me to handle something-two weeks ago that would've left me a little disoriented, draining my motivation to accomplish anything else I had planned for the evening-but not today. Today I did what I could and kept it moving to the boys room where we wrestled through pajamas, Alex climbed all over me during story time, and the three of us danced to Larry & Bob's Silly Songs from VeggieTales. Lots of hugs kisses, and two bedtime prayers later, they were snug in the bed and I sat down here to type this in an effort to again, attempt to write something every day.
Not everything went as planned-my kitchen is horrendously dirty for instance and I have a load of laundry to fold-but I feel awesome. I won. Yes I relapsed. But over the course of the past week, God has reminded me that it was just that-a relapse. I got overtaken by the wave, but today with some tenacity and God's help I found the strength to start swimming to the surface again.
So at 5:15 instead of hitting the snooze button this morning, my feet hit the floor and here I am at the end of my day, having made it through my day, about to indulge (just a scoop) in my reward to myself: A chocolate Oreo Blendini from Rita's while I listen to "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore on the 'pod.
Aaaaah, yes this is good. I don't think victory has ever tasted sweeter.
*Note: a monumental THANK YOU goes to Bertski for helping me get through the past 4-5 weeks, especially when it comes to helping me take care of the boys. Thank you for being so supportive and for being there no matter what. You are awesome.*