Change. Upheaval. Shifting. Transitions. These are experiences I'm all too familiar with in my life. While I've always desired & have strived for some semblance of stability in my life, especially the last couple of years, this slippery little fella continues to prove elusive. I just. can't. get. my. hands. on . it. But I long for it, especially now that I'm a mother. It's something I want to be able to provide for my boys. But in my journey as a single/co- parent, it's a place I haven't been able to settle in yet. And it's a tad frustrating. It's like every 6 months I'm going through some kind of major shift or transition. I have my theories and thoughts about why this is, where it stems from & all that, but I'm to busy trying to survive the PMDD symptoms that are sucking the life out of me to go there today...
"I'm just a little bit afraid, of where I'm going, and it feels like a hurricane is blowing over...."
What I will say is that for the past 3 years, this cycle of upheaval, change, & transition always seems to kick off in July. I know, this probably sounds crazy, but I promise you, for the last 3 years, since Brennan was 7 months old, all hell breaks loose or major life changing/defining situations take place....In July. And usually lasts until around October. It's like my life enters this Hurricane Season only mine starts a month later & ends a month earlier. It's pure craziness. Emotionally, phyiscally, spiritually, & mentally, every July through October these areas of my life seem to just go haywire. I don't really know why this is, or what if any spiritual meaning this has for me-I mean I've talked to God about it, but only in the "hey God, I've been noticing that my life hits the fan every July-what's up with that dude?" manner. I haven't explored it any further, probably because I'm too busy trying to sandbag, board up & ride out the storms that are wreaking havoc on me. I'm too busy trying to survive the season with my sanity intact....and I haven't gotten any answers, so *shrugs* yea, I don't get what it's all about. When He clues me in, I'll be sure to write about it...
The thing is, when I do experience this season where multiple stressors clamoring are for the opportunity to push me over the edge I often find myself teetering on I often find that my emotions are robbed of the ability to articulate. Or if I'm having a Peter moment-you know, that moment where after you've gotten the courage to jump out of the boat and take a little stroll, you look down at the waters (that suddenly became choppy) and realize, "OMGGGGGG! I'M WALKING ON WATER! AND IT'S DARK AS THE ABYSS OUT HERE! WAIT-WHERE DID JESUS GO? WAS THAT REALLY HIM? OR WAS THAT MY MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON ME?! O.M.G! WALK ON WATER? WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING? HUMANS DON'T DO THIS..."-trying to find words that give voice to my swirling thoughts & emotions is like trying to get my 15 month old, Alex, to eat broccoli-It ain't happening.
That's why I'm so grateful for music, especially worship music or music with lyrics I can identify with. It's in music that I often find the voice my thoughts & emotions need to speak-to myself & more importantly to God. So today, while cleaning up (something else I do when my life is in transition or upheaval & I feel like cleaning baseboards will take the edge off-and yes, it does) I shuffled through my iTunes library till my frenzied spirit found respite in one of my favorite albums: A Hundred More Years by Francesca Battistelli. Frannie. Beautiful Frannie with her guitar & simple lyrics gave me the words & voice I needed to talk to God today. Even to just take some time & just worship Him. To be reminded of who He is, in my life, & just in general. So even though I think I blew out the speakers on my laptop & probably made dogs howl within a 7 mile radius with my singing, I'm feeling a little calmer having released what my soul was longing to say. I can grip life again a little tighter, the flame of hope that had grown small & puny looking shines brighter & is bigger than it was before.
"I'm moving forward anyway with a promise, You are the anchor for my soul..."
And it's being able to have moments like this that will sustain me during this latest round of hurricane season in my life, as I try to pursue joy over happiness. Oh, as well as help me deal with the cranky Alex I woke up with my bad singing :)