3 Fridays ago I watched my relationship implode. AGAIN. I watched the man I had been trying to build a family & life (AND HAD JUST MOVED IN ) with implode and say things that gave me a clear indication of what he thought of me....and our relationship. After nearly 3 months of arguments, backpedaling, & eye-opening revelations about his feelings for me and this relationship, I had been watching....waiting even, for the fall out.He kept saying he didn't want to break up, but something in me wasn't convinced. I didn't want to believe it was coming, but that Friday morning I realized with a sickening feeling that it was happening again: We were breaking up. Again. After we said we wouldn't. After he said we were going to-HE WANTED TO- get married. After he said that we were going to get some things in order and then we would take that step. After Brennan had started calling him "dad". After I had moved in with him. After we had made these plans together, as a family. After he said don't worry, we'll get through this, he knows it's not easy, but it will be ok. He had said just a few weeks prior that he wasn't happy, and that freaked me out, but I still held on to hope, thinking that we just needed to make it through this transition. Once the move was over, once we were settled in, he'd realize that this was doable. Once our finances stabilized and he felt more in control of his life, this wouldn't feel so overwhelming....
Overwhelming....that's what he had told me a month ago-my needs & emotional issues, & "stuff" had been too overwhelming the past 2 years. "But I've grown so much and have made so much progress....and you aren't easy to deal with either," I had said, incredulous at what was coming out of his mouth. No...no we couldn't be back here again. We were past this weren't we? We had worked so hard to be past all of this. But a conversation with a friend had started raising his doubts and planting red flags....pile on outside stress and a few arguments between us, and there we were. Right back where we had worked so hard to travel away from.
That Friday, I knew it was over. I knew it because I realized that no matter what I do, how much I change, or how much growth I have, it's never going to matter. No amount of proving or progess on my part was going to overcome his fears, his doubts, his feelings, his frustration with not living the type of life he wanted. I realized then that it wasn't even about our differences anymore-that wasn't what was killing us. I realized that I was stuck in a cycle and a relationship with someone who's ideas about what a real relationship is are, to be frank, in fantasy land.
I gave up. I gave up because I realized that nothing I could ever do was going to contribute to his happiness. Not my efforts to get healthy, not my losing weight so he'd be physically attracted to me again, not my continued efforts to establish myself & career, not anything. Nothing. I've been fighting a battle I was never going to win. Every time I think our relationship is in a certain place, he lets me know it's somewhere else, a place that's too unstable...too bad....to unsettling....too uncomfortable for him to handle.
But what about me? What about my discomfort? I struggle with believing that it ever really mattered. I've been dealing with being uncomfortable too.
He asked me if I thought I was victimized somehow by this. No. Because I know that the past 2 years haven't been easy and I haven't been easy to deal with. But I also feel that I tried beyond my best to keep striving to make things and myself better. I know that I've grown in leaps & bounds. But because he said things (unprovoked or pressured) about marriage and building a life together and having confidence & faith in this relationship I do feel like I've been strung along to a degree. And so I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Confused. I don't know what to think about this anymore. About him anymore. I don't trust him. Our friendship has taken a serious hit, which I didn't think would be possible-our friendship has always pulled us through our difficult times. But...I don't know. Angry. I am very angry. Angry because I feel like while he wanted a guarantee that he was going to be marrying a "happy person", he could never give me one that he was going to stick around and commit. Angry because I feel as though he's penalizing me for not being "happy" enough but not doing the one thing that would solve what he sees as the problem. Security. Less ambiguity. Do the honorable thing. I've given him everything I could. I sincerely don't understand why it wasn't enough. Even with his shortcomings, he was enough for me. Angry because now Brennan thinks of him as a father, and he treats him like he's his son, so now that we aren't together, what becomes of that bond, that relationship? Brennan isn't biologically his, so he can say all day that he wants to be part of Bren's life, but how do I, as his mother, trust that? And I'm angry at myself most of all because I stayed. Because I fought for it. Because I went against everyone's advice, and now I just look-and feel-pretty stupid. Foolish.
If you can't deal with me or stick it out with me when I'm at my worst...then you don't deserve to be with me when I'm at my best. And I will be better, and become my best.
So this is strike three....and I'm out. Out of faith, out of hope. But I have my boys. And I have my life. And I'm going to an amazing school to pursue a degree that I know is my passion. And I'm working on getting my mental health in the shape it needs to be in. So although the clouds in my sky are heavy laden with pain, I do see their silver linings.
I can do this. We will be ok. Starting over wasn't what I anticipated or even wanted, but, well, it's what has to be done. So here's to starting over..."but this time as I and not as we."
Here's to making it. One step at a time.
ps. This is all I will ever have to say or write about this. I didn't want to write about it but I realized I had to get it out. So I could move on. This is in no way meant to bash or trash him. He's a great man and I'll always love him. This is just my way of releasing what I need to say. So there you go. Next....