Confession: If you've been reading my posts the past month then you know things have been rocky in my little corner over here. So, that means I've been crying a lot as a result. Smiling. Laughing. Clenching my jaw and trying to find comfort in the discomfort. But there are times when I just can't hold back the waters-my levees break and I cry. I'm talking snot filled, hand wringing, fist clenching, wailing into a pillow to muffle the sobs crying. I have however been making a concentrated and determined effort to hold it together in front of my boys. Things are rocky enough as it is with all the transitioning going on between my ex and I, so I've been making sure to shield them from as much of it as possible. I was doing a good job of it too, making sure we're still finding ways to enjoy our time and summer together inspite of the upheaval.
This morning after breakfast though a wave of emotions hit me, taking me by surprise and nearly knocking me over. I had barely set the boys up with their toys and made it to my bedroom before the tears exploded. As I layed there, face buried in the pillow, hurling my grief, confusion, hurt, fear, rejection, and everything else at God, telling Him how alone and scared I am in this place, I heard a quiet knock on my door.
It was Brennan.
"Mommie can I have some chalk to draw outside (on our balcony) ?" Wiping the snot and wetness from my face, I opened the door. "Sure Bren. What do you want to draw?"
He looked at me, stepped forward and hugged my legs. Then he looked at me again and said, "A heart. I want to draw a heart."
Grabbing the chalk and walking towards the balcony door I asked him "Why a heart?"
"Because its going to be okay and I want you to see the heart so you'll feel better," he replied patting me on the shoulder. And with a kiss on the cheek, off he was, on the balcony, in the OMG sweltering humidity drawing me a heart-two in fact.
The thing about God that just continues to blow my mind is how He knows what we need at the exact moment we need it. My faith, my sanity, needed that boost today. And my heart is grateful for it, for Him, and for my boys. :)