I don't know what it is about Friday nights. We just don't get along. Nearly every Friday night since I've said I was going to start doing "Self-Love Saturdays" some craptastic event happens where I find myself struggling to either not fall into the gravity well of depression, negativity or miry yuckiness, OR I fall in and am struggling to climb out. It's like once I put it out there, the universe or elements thereof decided to throw everything my way to see if I will stick with it.
Last Friday night was no exception. It tried my patience, I had a mild panic attack, and it ended on a pretty awful & frustrating note. Today, I woke up to find Depression sitting at the foot of my bed asking if I wanted to hang out. I didn't answer, but that didn't keep him from following me around, clutching my ankles, making it difficult to be motivated to move. I've spent my day emotionally eating everything in sight, chocolate cupcakes included and although I have a mountain of homework to do, I can't concentrate on it. Oh & I went to therapy today. Met with a "Christian" counselor up at my school's counseling center. I'm not sure how it went to be honest. I say that because I spent the whole session snotting up tissues, hiccuping, & babbling through tears that wouldn't stop spilling over my eyelids. So..I don't know how that went....
BUT. Even though the pendulum has swung me a little left of the middle, and Depression has shown up for a visit, I'm trying not to let him unpack his bags and get cozy. It's taking all of my energy, but I'm trying to just relax, absorb everything that's going on with me emotionally & just....BE. And focus on the GOOD things that have been going on in my life. There's a scripture that came to me about an hour ago as I sat here at the desk vegging out on Twitter:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phillipians 4:8
It pretty much reminded me that it's ok to feel crappy on a day that I've designated to show myself some love & acceptance. That's part of loving yourself right? To accept the good & the bad and allow yourself the space to feel & sort through things? To allow yourself to just BE? I think it is. I've come to accept that I'm not going to be all rainbows & sunshine every Saturday, but I've also determined to not let it get the best of me. I'm learning how to balance the emotions & listen to what my gut is trying to tell me. I"m allowing myself to feel, and when you're trying to untangle the stickiness of past trauma or recent hurts, feeling is part of that process-you can't escape it. Especially if you're on medication-for me meds have started to stabilize me, but that means since I'm not preoccupied with swinging back & forth between raging, intense emotions, I'm finally starting to see what's around me. The dust in my life is settling & I'm seeing tons of boxes that need unpacking. Each one that I unpack in an attempt to recover & live a healthier life mentally & emotionally is going to expose me to facing some things that I haven't before....or revisit some tangles I thought I had processed and unraveled. Staring these issues face to face may cause me to feel some pain, may invite Depression or Anxiety to stop by for a visit, but that doesn't mean I have to let them stay-or let their voices ring louder than the Truth. I may not be able to keep them from coming over during this season of my life but I can definitely ensure they don't stay for very long or get to cozy in my space.
So today I'm doing that by choosing to do like the scripture says and focus on the good things. That doesn't mean I"m ignoring the negative or painful feelings I'm having. I'm acknowledging them,but I'm keeping them in their proper context and space-making a conscious choice to meditate on my successes & the tiniest of victories enables me to do that.
What are my "good" things? Well for one can I just say that being on medication is FINALLY working?! I haven't been swinging through the bipolar jungle like Tarzan for the past few weeks. It hasn't been easy, but the rage, the uncontrollable mood swings, the sweaty anxious moments & panic attacks? Cut down significantly since I adjusted my meds last month. YAY!
I made it through my first month of school! It was crazy, overwhelming, & financially painful, but I made it! And I did it all while still seeing my therapist & psych at the VA, AND taking my meds EVERYDAY. YAY! I struggled, but I also recognized when I needed a break & gave myself one. I acknowledged my limits & still kept trekking along.
I have finally started to get over my ex and have let go of some old dreams & desires to embrace new ones. YAY! I've been listening to my instincts and trusting my own judgement when I make decisions-turns out I'm not as bad at it as I used to be or as I thought I was.
And the best part? I've finally bonded with Alex. I mean REALLY bonded. Bonded as in he comes up to me and gives me hugs, holds my legs, laughs & giggles when we play, I actually WANT to play with him....we've developed this closeness in the past 4-5 weeks that wasn't there before. It took me 17mos, but I have officially fallen in love & feel connected with my son. All of my worries about whether or not I had "ruined" him or our relationship because of my PPD, anxiety, & bipolar madness have disappeared. All of that frustration & agony I felt this summer, when I said it felt like I was stumbling in the dark? Gone. God has flipped on the light switch & all I can see is the love & beauty is placed in my life through my boys.
Speaking of beauty, last thing. I've mentioned before that I've struggled with my self-esteem my whole life & it's taken a severe hit since having Alex. As you know, I've been working on that, and guess what happened? This week, when the Plague was starting to release it's grip on me, I took a picture:
When I looked at it, guess what I saw? BEAUTY. No makeup. Frizzy hair. Unwashed face. Swollen eyelid. Funky breath :) I was so glad to feel healthy again that I snapped this picture to celebrate & I captured a snap of myself full of joy & beauty. I mean, I actually SAW it. I wish I could articulate it. It was as if I had a blindfold on, or blurry contacts or something and all of a sudden they just fell away & I could see the real me. Flaws & all, but beautiful none the less. That's not being vain is it? I hope not. It's okay to say "I'm beautiful" with out being conceited, right? I hope so. Because that's how I feel & what I see when I look at myself now. And when I buy a pair of Spanx next week-WATCH OUT! I'm bringing sexy back ya'll....or at least my confidence! :)
Ya'll God & His love are lifting & carrying me through this...it always has. I can't tell you how grateful I am for it, for Him & how comforting it is to know that despite what I'm going through or what I feel, His love is there, like a banner over me, guiding me through the rubble. So that's why I'm choosing to focus on the good things. I know He'll help me manage the yucky stuff if I just keep my mind stayed to the right & not the left. :)
So those are my thoughts for today. Acknowledge the bad, but focus on the good. Meditate on what's good. Celebrate the smallest of victories or otherwise insignificant moments. Embrace YOU. Just BE. And continue to love yourself through the process.
Don't worry. We'll get there. We're on our way.