Breaking Down

Angry.... Irritable....

Hurt....

Loneliness....

Immobilized...

Pain....

Numb....

Crying....

Despair.....

I've spent my entire day being consumed, beaten down, and surrounded by all of the emotions listed above.

Depressive mood? PMS? Mixed state? Manic? Crazy? I don't know how to label or describe myself anymore. I'm too tired to sort through or make sense of it. I just know that I am experiencing all of these sensations and being wracked by emotions and thoughts that make me feel.....unwell to put it mildly.

I haven't slept well in almost 3 weeks- since I got sick. Insomnia- I know it's here, but I can't force it to leave, and sleeping pills? They no longer have an effect.

I thought the dosage increase in my anti-depressant was helping. But I'm starting to question that now-what if this made it worse? I'm sure forgetting my meds for a few days last week didn't help....

My thoughts have been loud, disruptive, and racing faster since yesterday.... Probably explains why I feel everything I mentioned above at such an intense level....

3 months ago, I walked into the VA hospital because the pressure of my emotions was so intense I was afraid I would lose my desire to live. Today? My grip on that desire has slipped and the pendulum is swinging faster and heavier than before.

Aside from calling my psych, I don't know how else to cope. I can't pray, I have no one to talk to- better yet, I don't want to talk to anyone around me. For what? It just seems pointless- it's not like they can do anything. Besides, most of them are the same people who told me they can't handle my "issues," so....why reach out? They can't help me, and I'm struggling to help myself.....

I'm tired. Tired of clawing, wrestling, and fighting with this. I've been fighting my way through abuse, molestation, stress, mistakes and the consequences of poor decisions since i was a kid. I'm 28. I don't view myself so much as a victim as I do a woman who just doesn't have anything left in her to get beyond this. Things get better for awhile, I get better for awhile but then I'm either triggered or I get complacent and everything goes to hell. It's cycle that's been repeating itself since I was 13. I'm at the base of the hill again, and when I look up at the top, I realize I don't have it in me to climb.....

Yet.... I know I have to. But not for myself. For my boys. Especially when it comes to Bren, it's just me. I have full custody of him, his father is non-existent....so it's up to me to take care of him. At least Alex has his father...Bren just has me, so if for nobody else I have to climb again so I can be the parent he needs and deserves.

I've been thinking about quitting school all day. Ditching my aspirations and career goals, my desire to be an advocate, a voice for those who are hurting, a stigma destroyer in African American and Christian cultures, and just....existing. Getting a minimum wage job that pays the bills and requires minimal thinking. I can't even manage MY problems, how the hell do I expect or think I can help someone else manage theirs?

The most painful thing? All day I've been hearing my dad's voice reiterating something he's told me since I was a child: "You'll never be anything worthwhile. You'll never be more than what you are- a f--- up, who will never change. You'll always have a messed up life because that's what you deserve.... I don't want you, and neither will anyone else. Deal with it."

There's a part of me that's never believed that and has been fighting against that statement for years. But the other part of me that's stuck in this cycle, that's currently having to battle that AND BPD? That part of me is starting to believe it.

So what so I do? Let's hope my psych calls me back tomorrow, my meds are adjusted, and I step back from the brink of this over the next month. In the meantime? Autopilot. Just.... existing until I feel the strength to fight to live again. maybe I won't have to change my major or drop out of school. Maybe I'll get better and be back to laughing and dancing soon....maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be able have a firmer grasp on my faith soon.

I'm hoping so.... Not for my sake, but for my boys'. Until then....there's always autopilot mode. That's enough for now, isn't it?