College Mama: Mountain Climbing

Wow. I did it.

I'm sitting here on my couch snotting and sobbing from relief, elation, and gratitude.

I did it y'all.

I MADE IT THROUGH MY 1ST SEMESTER AT PBU.

I'm in shock and awe about this because back in July, and even as recently as October when I wrote this, it just seemed like such a daunting task.

  • Bad breakup; newly single
  • New diagnosis
  • New medications & adjustments
  • New therapies & psychiatrist appointments
  • New state, new city, new apartment, new environment...far away from family & church support
  • New bills
  • My boys
  • My (hypo)mania
  • My severe depression
  • My "mixed" states
  • Excruciating anxiety
  • Struggling with wanting to live...and fighting urges to self-injure (which I didn't always succeed in doing)
  • New school
  • Full course load
  • Surviving off of GI Bill benefits, disability, & financial aide...new financial worries
Back then and at times throughout the course of the past 4 months, this mountain just seemed impossible to climb. Too painful, too rocky, too tough to grasp, my strength and mind felt too diminished and futile to even think most days, let alone actually LIVE.
Wait... Sorry...Give me a minute...I'm crying again....*reaching for tissue*
(Pause)
But here I am, at the top of the mountain I didn't think I'd be able to climb and when I look out at the view that surrounds me, I see
  • A therapy & medication routine that's starting to be effective and take hold
  • A fresh perspective, one that's no longer weighed down by unrealistic expectations & standards
  • A course load that's manageable because of academic accommodations and open dialogue with my professors
  • Two unbelievably amazing close friends, one old, one new (I'm looking at you, Lyrical Dilettante) who hold me accountable, help me see myself in a healthy, realistic light...and just...accept me. challenge me. laugh with me. dance with me...cook with me...and sit with me when I'm in my low moments and am struggling with wanting to kill myself.
  • An INCREDIBLE group of online friends who feel more like family. From my #PPDChat Army (Lauren, Charity, Susan, Jaime, Katherine, Story, & more).... to my new friends in the Bipolar Depression Closed support group on Facebook, who are from all over the world, and encourage me on a daily basis, help me understand my BP, and love on me in my darkest moments....
  • My other "in real life" friends who I talk to at school and on Facebook...old and new...blood related and not...
  • My boys...happy...healthy....growing...laughing...super smart and enjoying being their own people
  • Forgiveness and understanding paving the way for a healthier relationship with my ex...
  • A new dating potential who told me this morning that I don't have to hustle for worthiness with him, out of fear he'll leave....as he puts it, "I'm here because I want you." (His exact words.)
  • Oh yeah....and my new hair color!

The view from up here is breathtaking....Even with all of it's stress, highs, lows, and anxiety, everything I mentioned above has created a solid and healthy environment for me to live and thrive in. Catching a glimpse of the beauty that's laid out before me fills my heart with a quiet comfort because I know when it's time to climb the next mountain (and the next semester) I can do it.

I have everything I need to make it :) I'm so grateful for all of you it's ridiculous!