Self-Love Saturday: A Dose of Euphoria to Mask the Pain

It's self love Saturday. It was a good day. I started off feeling rather good about myself.

I laughed and played with the boys.

I danced. A lot. To my favorite songs.

I spent the day helping my ex run errands (you'll find out why during Tuesday's post).

We shopped for necessities.

It's self love Saturday. It was a rather great day.

It's funny how just shopping for what you need can lead you to toeing the line that borders euphoria....

Well....

I didn't just toe it today...I stepped right over and into it with glee in my heart.

I wish the glee were authentic...

It wasn't until an hour ago that I realized it was just my soul's way of protecting me from the pain that's eating at me like cancer. It shielded me long enough so I could have a pretty awesome day.

And even though I've cycled into a low, I'll take the euphoria that shields me any day....

Because this pain...

Having to deal with the hell that is sexual abuse.....the flashbacks, the hurt, the shame, the ripping off of bandages that close unhealed wounds....

Is too much to bear at the moment. My therapist...she told me this might happen...that opening the box would illicit Pandora and all of her buried emotions...

It's self love Saturday. I had a really good day....until a few hours ago when I realized how unprotected and alone I felt....when I realized that the only way to be made whole and to allow love, real love into my heart and life is to endure the pain of the past so I don't reject my future.

It's self love Saturday...it was a rather splendid day....

Until I got that phone call...

(please remind me to be kind to myself)