Operation Get Dilated

Today I'm 36 weeks pregnant. I've been contracting with minimal relief since the end of week 29. After my second trip to labor and delivery I was basically told my uterus is irritable and my cervix is soft but stubborn-it's like one of those broken garage doors that only opens an inch or so off the ground and then gets stuck.

Back at the beginning of my third trimester, this was a good thing-necessary as neither my OB nor myself wanted to see my baby boy in the NICU or worse, not make it. So I was given magnesium, a couple of steroid shots, and a host of other meds that didn't work in an attempt to keep everything at a standstill. My cervix didn't open any further, but the contractions refused to leave. So I've been living with them, each one eating away at my sanity like a zombie feasts on brains & flesh.

As I mentioned previously, I  went in to see my OB last Monday after a weekend of particularly brutal contractions that were practically on top of each other. That's when he gave me the "hang in there old sport" pep talk, checked my cervix and told me it had changed just a tiny bit, warned me that much like my labor with Alex, this one is starting off at a snail's pace, and told me he wouldn't try to make it go any faster until at least week 37. He also told me it would be a good idea to at least start doing some walking to help get things "ready."

So I've been walking every day, and honestly resisting the urge to sprint down the street in spite of my symphysis pubis being as wide as the Grand Canyon at this point. I pretty much try to waddle-walk as fast as I can without splitting my pelvis in half. So far thanks to my SI belt, I've remained intact, and while walking has helped baby boy drop it low (very low), he hasn't fallen out on the street yet, so we're good.

I would, however like him to fall-er come out within the next two weeks though. I started labor with Alex at 36 weeks and had him at 37. I normally would be all "oh let's just have Nature take its sweet ass time," but when you've been contracting for over a month while keeping up with two other children and running a household, AND experiencing early labor symptoms like nausea, diarrhea, and losing weight for the past two weeks? You start thinking of how you can get Nature to get her ass in gear and end her tyrannous reign over your body.

Even if you've had one of those disgustingly goddess-like pregnancies where unicorns met you every morning and you glided everywhere you went in your pre-pregnancy skinny jeans held together by a single rubber band, weeks 36 & 37 are the weeks women start googling "how to get this f-----ing human out of me on time." That will lead you to the seedy underworld of pregnancy message boards where you find women desperately seeking not Susan, but ways to (safely) help the body get a move on.

Yes, I'll admit it: I've read all the boards. Repeatedly. I've asked friends who've studied midwifery for tips. I've asked my OB's nurse for suggestions. (Evening primrose oil, in case you're wondering). I spent all last week trying to tone my uterus via raspberry tea leaf like I'm training it to swim against Michael Phelps in the next Olympics. And again-I've been waddle-walking.

One thing that's struck me though when I've read these boards and asked folks for suggestions is that there's an obvious method that no one is mentioning. It wasn't until my friend Lindsay jokingly mentioned that I should just twerk it that it hit me: DANCE.

No one on any of these boards has mentioned dance as a way to get dilated & softened. Sure you could spend your time being all namaste in a squatted yoga pose till the pressure built up on your cervix causes a blowout, OR you could just throw on some "Pop, Lock & Drop It," by Huey.  At least the asinine lyrics will distract you from how uncomfortable and claustrophobic in your own body you feel.

So, I'm here at week 36, telling you that maybe instead of giving yourself the runs and worse via castor oil, destroying your mouth eating legions of pineapple, and having sex when the LAST thing you want at this point is to be touched by the one who DOESN'T have to get up every 2 hours to go the bathroom-try busting a move. Put on some music and pop those hips. Twerk it. Shake it. Drop it like you're 23 and in the club.

I just did. I did at one point drop it low and stay on my living room rug, but hey, I'm 9 months pregnant, that's to be expected. I didn't say doing any of this would look pretty-I'm just saying it might prove effective and will probably be MUCH more fun than chugging some nasty drink concoction or just sitting in misery.

If you're looking for songs to pop, hop, drop, & shimmy it to, I'll help you out and give you my playlist. You're welcome.

  • Anything by Missy Elliot. Seriously-ANYTHING.
  • Shake it Out by Florence + The Machine (for the hippie in you)
  • Show Me What You Got-Jay Z
  • Bring Em Out-T.I.
  • Hips Don't Lie-Shakira (c'mon, it's obvious why)
  • Party Rock-LMFAO
  • Runaway Baby-Bruno Mars
  • Locked out of Heaven-Bruno Mars (I suggest grabbing a hairbrush and just belting this out)
  • You Make Me Feel-Cobra Starship (remember-23...in the club...don't GAF about NOTHING-let loose)
  • Anything by the Black Eyed Peas. Begin with "Let's Get it Started", perhaps?
  • Jump Around-House of Pain (I can't jump, but I waddled and bobbed)
  • Square Biz-Teena Marie. (6:40 of absolute funk & soul to lose yourself in. Spin, twirl, snap fingers)
  • Get Up-Ciara

[youtube=http://youtu.be/OtyPaMYuC0Q]

If you're feeling particularly fearless and REALLY want to get into it, I suggest heading to YouTube and finding some Unk ("Walk it Out), Ester Dean ("Drop it Low), and another "Drop it Low," by Kat Deluna. Song is annoying but the moves might help things shift around down below.

I'm off to go get checked. Hopefully Operation Get Dilated is in full effect. I'll let you know :)

*By the way, I'm not a doctor. So talk to yours about what's safe for you to do and get clearance before you wind up having to search YouTube for ways to do an emergency home birth. Don't sue me. Thanks.*