Reset

The scale groaned under my weight as I stood on it a few moments ago. The blue light highlighted the digital readout & what I had a feeling I'd see: 200.8lbs. I weigh 200.8lbs. That's 17lbs more than what I weighed when I gave birth, and it's the heaviest I've ever been in my life.

I guess I should admit here that I'm incredibly envious of women who lose weight from breastfeeding. I don't. I've breastfed three children for 4 months each and have never dropped a pound during. Instead my appetite has always increased far more than it ever did during pregnancy and so does my weight. Every. Time.

I think weighing so much wouldn't be hitting my psyche and body image so hard if the rest of my body wasn't so much of a wreck from this pregnancy.

My pelvis is still broken. My pubis symphysis is still the size of the Grand Canyon. About a month after delivering I started experiencing moderate symptoms of prolapse-my OB says I'm at a grade 2 and if no improvement has been made between 4-6 months postpartum, he'll recommend surgery & other measures to try and alleviate my symptoms. It's a complete disaster down there, unlike anything I experienced my previous two postpartum periods. These are the kinds of things I wish they talked about in child birthing classes & books when they espouse the benefits of vaginal delivery. Sure, vaginal delivery is considered the ideal compared to having a C-Section, but it does come with at a price-one far greater and more demoralizing than tearing & swelling. I'm pretty angry at the fact that pelvic organ/vaginal/uterine prolapse isn't talked about, but that's a soapbox I'll get on another night...

ANYWAY...

At first, I attempted to get through running and some yoga despite my pelvic issues. But once the prolapse started, running became a no go and yoga went from bearable to painful during most positions and stretches. Walking, lifting and carrying anything over 5lbs makes my back scream, thighs ache, and lower abdominal area curse me out. I'm hoping when I see my OB this week he can give me some guidance on what kind of low impact exercise I can do that won't cause further damage or undo any correcting that might be done at some point.

To help the prolapse one thing I must do is shed some of this weight. To shed the weight I need to move more, somehow, and I have to stop stress eating. My OB also suggested that weaning (when I was ready) would probably help. Well, as of today the baby is now weaned-for a few reasons, but this is definitely one of them.

200.8lbs. Grade 2 prolapse with painful symptoms daily. Fatigue. Stress. Pelvis problems. Have I mentioned my bald spots? Postpartum hair loss is quite sexy.

I thank God and Nature for endowing my body with the ability to bear the strain of nurturing and birthing life, but I'm also tired of feeling and being so wrecked by it.

It's time for a reset.