Everybody has a laugh, one that is unique to them & distinct from everyone elses. Today I was able to hear, recognize, & feel MINE again. I heard it in such a way that I hadn't even realized I had forgotten it's sound. It bubbled up and erupted from deep down in my gut, bursting from my mouth with a velocity, that knocked me over each time. Instead of nervousness, trepidation, and anxiety, I heard and felt delight and a clarity that's been missing for some time. I've been so out of it, so up & down the past months that I forgot what my laugh sounded like without any fear, worry or reservation holding it in chains, preventing it's release. I'm not sure why any of this is. Maybe its the medication, stabilizing & freeing me up enough to even be able to laugh. Maybe it's just quieted my mind, clearing it of any distractions so that I can be more attuned to hearing how it sounds. I don't know what's causing it, but I do know this:
Instead of feeling frazzled and ansty about the antics of a rambunctious 4 year old, I burst out laughing at his boyish energy and even play along. Instead of feeling upset because my 15mo's explorations means he's into everything, I get on the floor and enjoy the game he's created out of throwing around an empty milk carton.
Instead of not being able to find the energy to give that little extra after bathtime before they go to sleep, I'm dancing to The Laurie Berkner band and roaring like a dinosaur.
And seeing their delight as we twirl and jump makes my heart swell with a joy I haven't felt in such a long time. And so I laugh, and am grateful for it. Its music to my ears.