Confession: I'm typing this from my phone while I lay on my bathroom floor....and this isn't the topic I was going to write on today. Why, you ask? Well because it's the coldest floor in my apartment and my queasy stomach is more tolerable when my face is pressed into it....and getting my laptop to type out my original content is just impossible because that would require me to lift my head up and that only makes the room spin faster...so, the floor and from the phone it is.
I hate days like this, the ones where side effects from medications take the wheel and dictate where your body goes. In my case, for the past hour it's been to the floor. I started off in my living room....crawled to the kitchen to get the boys a snack....stuck Brennan on the XBox, stumbled to their room where I placed Alex in his crib with the iPad, and did the deadman's crawl across the hallway to the bathroom. Sounds dramatic, but I wish it were an exaggerated description of how I ended up here...
...on the floor ....sipping on ginger ale like it has healing power .....shaking ....begging Jesus to kill the medicated squirrel going ape in my tummy
Ahhh medication. Compliance. Side effects. It's not an easy tightrope to balance on. It's the nausea, headaches, tremors, fatigue and other side effects that make you question why you even decided to walk it in the first place.
Then you look back behind you and see your life without the meds, and you see THOSE side effects: the hypomania, the OCD, the anxiety, the irritability and edginess, the fatigue that comes from just forming a thought, the lack of focus and disoriented mental state....and you look at the line in front of you and keep walking, keep trying to balance...
At least I do. I have to. For me, life without medication isn't possible, at least not right now. And I'm okay with that, even of it means I have to spend some time here on the floor while my body adjusts to everything.
I may not like them, but I'll take the side effects of the meds that help me be ME over the ones that let the worst parts of me rage out of control.
So could you be a dear and pass me another bottle of ginger ale? I've got like a lifetime supply ;)