"This illness won't get you...You are too strong...tomorrow holds the promise of a new day." My friend Kim's words rang in my ears as I fell asleep last night, and were the first words that I heard as I awoke this morning.
The past 3 weeks have been a roller coaster ride with more loops than I'd like, some throwing my mental health off track, others reminding me of how fragile life is, as several of my friends and even my mother are facing serious health & life issues....and yet still others have forced me to face painfully abusive memories I'd rather forget, but can't because working through them is the only way I'll heal and be able to eventually forgive.
You are too strong....this life needs you
I woke up with these words pushing me out of bed and on my feet. I looked around at my apartment, at the mess that accumulates during my lows, and these words directed each step I took as I set to cleaning it all up.
This illness won't get you....You are too strong....this life needs you
I repeated them, over and over while taking a shower, combing my hair, painting my nails, eating breakfast, watching cartoons with my sick kiddo....until I finally felt strong, strong enough to keep fighting and keep moving.
A friend of mine told me on Facebook this week that she doesn't understand how I can continue to hold onto a belief in God when I've been through so much hell in my life. She then asked me a rather poignant and difficult question: why does God allow bad things to happen?
Not wanting to give a cookie cutter answer full of Christianese, I waited and directed the question at God: "Why do you allow bad things to happen? Why do you allow us to suffer if you love us so much? Why God? Why have I had to endure so much pain, so many rough circumstances? Why do I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with this illness and everything else? I'm tired God. I'm just tired."
I spent the week telling God that I'm tired of being beat down and broken, but woke up this morning with Kim's words guiding me and an answer...or at least some kind of theory.
You might not like or agree with my theory and that's ok....but y'all I think we experience brokenness and pain in our lives as a reminder that we are human. We like to think we're invincible but the truth is we aren't. What if we went through life never experiencing loss, pain, hurt, rejection, or a part of us that malfunctions and needs fixing? If we didn't experience these things, I don't think we would know or understand and value things like LOVE....we wouldn't know how to be vulnerable, which would render us incapable of empathy and compassion for others. We wouldn't know how to care for one another, and be there for each other, and be able to bear one another up in times of need. Pain and brokenness....no one wants to endure or experience either, but without them as the fertilizer, seeds of courage, hope, love, empathy, and strength wouldn't grow in us and we would be nothing more than calloused, cold, stagnant beings.
So we experience things that challenge us...that break us...that remind us that life is fragile and to not take it for granted, no matter what hand we've been dealt. We only get one hand in this poker game y'all. That's it. Just one hand and one set of chips is all we get to bet with. It's up to us how we handle what we're dealt.
So no...I don't like the fact that my meds aren't working and I need yet again to keep searching for the right cocktail. I don't like that I have to live with a condition that renders me incapable of wanting to live at times. I don't think it's fair that I had to endure abuse at the hands of men who were supposed to protect me. I hate that I have to struggle my way through life....
But guess what? I'm too strong, only because I've endured these things and am still here today, writing this to you. I'm strong. Only because I have been hurt and broken. I am strong because I have known pain and am learning to use it as the bridge to vulnerability and wholehearted living.
I am too strong. This illness will not get me. My painful past will not keep me trapped and tangled. I won't let it. Instead I'll use it; to help others, to encourage and inspire, to empower those who have been through the same to overcome and choose to keep living. I've had bad things happen to me, but I'll let them teach me how to treat and love my boys and others I encounter in this life.
I don't know what you're facing, or what you've had to endure in this life. But I do know that if you're enduring it, if you're surviving it, then I know for a fact that you are a stronger person because you experienced it. I know from first hand experience that if you spend all your time asking why, the pain will only intensify and breed more pain. Choose to use what you've been through to help someone else-let it teach you how to live wholeheartedly.
The hurt and pain won't last forever. As Kim told me last night....it's always darkest right before the dawn. So stand up. Dance your way through the rain drops. Your'e stronger than you think.
note: my video isn't perfect..I just couldn't get the syncing right for some reason today. so I apologize for my crappy editing skills. I hope you still enjoy it anyway.