I Wish I Was Stronger...For Both of Us

"I can feel your pain, I can feel your struggleYou just wanna live, but everything so low That you could drown in a puddle That's why I gotta hold us up, yeah hold us up For all the times no one's ever spoke for us To every single time that they play this song You can say that that's what Bobby Ray wrote for us When the tides get too high And the sea up underneath get so deep And you feel like you're just another person Getting lost in the crowd, way up high in the nosebleeds Uh, because we've both been there, yeah, both of us But we still stand tall with our shoulders up And even though we always against the odds These are the things that've molded us And if life hadn't chosen us Sometimes I wonder where I would've wound up Cause if it was up to me, I'd make a new blueprint Than build it from the ground up.."

It hurts to watch the people you love and care about wrestle their way through the sh^t life throws in their face. I hate it. I try my best to be there for the people in my life who are grappling with life and trying to endure it's ugliness, even when I'm grappling and struggling to endure the ugliness myself.

It's especially hard for me to watch a loved one (friend or family) fight mental illness. It's hard for me because I know from experience how hard it is to fight for your life and well being when all you want to really do is give up...or at least give in for a little while. Sometimes I feel strong enough for others to lean on and gain strength & comfort from...but there are times when I feel helpless...when I wonder if my words and love are piercing through the armor of illness that surrounds their thoughts....when I wonder if I'm doing enough or do I need to do more...should I reach out and push or back off and just wait? Am I being empathetic? Am I allowing them to be vulnerable with me? Am I sitting in the darkness with them but still shining even the tiniest flame of hope?

It's hard to know sometimes...especially when you aren't afforded the chance to actually see the person face to face and you only have Facebook, Twitter, email, and text messages to say "Hey, you're not alone. You matter. I hear you, I know you're in pain. I'm here with you. You can get through this, you WILL get through this. I love you. You're beautiful. Don't give up."

When I'm in a really awful place, sometimes just having someone to sit next to me so I'm not alone with my thoughts helps. I hate that I can't sit next to some of you when you're in that place. It kills me.

When I heard this song today, I thought of you. I thought of where you're at and how helpless you feel in your fight to live...and I sang this for you, out loud with tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart that you make it through this....and I vowed to remain in this fight with you, for however long it takes, until you win. Until we both win, because I'm not just fighting for you and I'm not just fighting for myself...I'm fighting to be stronger for both of us...for all of us. We're worth the fight...so let's not give up, okay?