Today I looked at this picture I took three months ago and recalled the words echoing throughout my mind as I did: "I am more. There's more to me...to us...to living...to the boys, than this. We'll get through this. It's not the end. I have to keep fighting."
We were driving down I-35 on the way to pick the boys from babysitting night, fresh from a date night designed to help us reconnect. The windows were down and the wind was deliciously hot as I let my hand ride the wind flowing around the car. I remember turning my face toward the sun and feeling peace settle in my heart. So much had been uncertain up until that point and I held onto the light on my face and the peace flowing out of my heart and through my veins as if my life depended it on it. Honestly it probably did. I remember this as the day I was starting to crack, and begin the fight to hold on through the breaking.
I wanted to capture how myself in that moment so I whipped out the phone and snapped the picture, purposefully keeping my face in the sunlight. For the caption I wrote:
"Darkness used to crush me and feel like death wrapping its hands around my throat. Now it just sparks my inner supernova, helping me shine brighter, fiercer, stronger. I am more than my circumstances. I am more than an illness, a set of diagnostic labels and pill bottles for mood & anxiety. I am more than their mom. More than someone's wife. I exist outside the box you're constantly trying to stuff me in. I don't follow convention. My life is a myriad of shouldn't have made its and OMG you lived through WHAT. It's one that looks at tradition, laughs, and goes another way. There is more to life than just surviving. Hijacking my girl @magicgypsypoet's #darknesspassing tag."
Darkness passing. Yes. That's exactly what it felt like in that moment as I sat in the car with my face turned toward the light. It passed then and it'll pass again. I just have to remember that I'm more than.