break ups

What Janelle Monae Taught Me About Motherhood & Mood Disorders

It's Saturday. The day I've dedicated to being Self-Love Saturday. I'm supposed to focus on loving and accepting some part of ME today. And I'm going to try. But I have to confess and say it's going to be a hard one today. It's my ex's birthday and it's his first official weekend with our son...the first of a totally new way of living our lives, with custody arrangements. The reminder of this drives the knife of reality over our separation painfully deeper into the wound that still least on my end. So, SLS is going to be a toughie today. BUT maybe that's part of the point? Maybe there's something here, in this, that I need to work my way through. Gotta deal with and move through it....And nothing reminds me of this more so than singing the lyrics to "Tightrope" by Janelle Monae.  "Whether I'm high or low, whether I'm high or low, I've to tip on the tightrope....."

That's how I was feeling last night, and this morning as I wake up-Iike I'm struggling to keep my balance on the tightrope I'm walking. But Ms. Monae and her song have surprisingly taught me some things about walking on the tightropes in my life, especially the one regarding getting through motherhood with a mood disorder....and I'm blogging about it over on James & Jax today! YAY! That I am extremely excited about & feel very lucky that she's allowed me to share some confessions over in her space of the blogosphere. As I've mentioned before I love talking with Jaime and her blog is one of my top 3 faves. S

Simply put, she rocks, so please pay her a visit today. You can check out my post and her insightful writing. Go know you want here

You can also check out her post from last Saturday's SLS here as well.

I hear my rowdy boys waking up so that's my cue to get breakfast going. I'm off to make pancakes! I'll be back later ya'll.....

The End

My relationship ended for a second time Saturday night. Only this time it ended quietly-no blow up, no mean, nasty barbs traded this time. It ended with a simple argument mixed with a tablespoon of frustration from both parties...and when I woke up Sunday morning he was gone. No good bye, nothing-just silence. I sent a text Sunday after church telling him of a renewed committment to a particular part of my faith, and he responded by informing me he was "taking a step back" from this relationship.The first time we broke up, I didn't know what to think. This time, my gut told me it was over-there would be no stepping forward- and I needed to get to work picking up the pieces of my life ASAP. This time, there's a certain finality I wasn't expecting. It's over.

I spent last night sobbing hysterically on my floor...crying as I bathed my two boys and put them to bed-their curiously concerned faces begging to know why mommy was upset...crying as I walked around my apartment trying to clean up and keep the tsunami of pain in my heart at bay. Crying in my bed after I just gave up and let the first waves of sickening pain engulf me, swallowing me in a despair that left me gasping for air-and praying to God to send me a dose of peace big enough to satiate the appetite of the ravenous beast that was ripping and tearing my heart apart. Sounds dramatic...I know. I wish that's all it was. I wish I was exaggerating. I wish it hadn't felt like that. I wish last night had never happened. I wish none of this had. But wishful thinking is just that. I have to deal with reality instead.

I wish I could put into words how tired I am of pain. Pain. Pain from my own crappy decisions and pain from others and theirs. Pain. I mess up, I'm not perfect, but I try. I try and work hard, even when I don't want to, to just hang in there and tough it out. Even when I have nothing left, I still try. And its never good enough, its just never enough. Giving, compromising even to the detriment of myself and my relationship with God (HUGE mistake-lesson learned), sacrificing, hell sacrificing even my body- so someone else could have a child-a beautiful child-and all I get in pain. I'm so sick of PAIN.

p.s. I still love him.