dane cook

Weep-A-Thons: Sometimes You've Just Gotta Be a Babbling Brook

When was the last time you cried? Not just a few tears here or there, not just a sniffle or two, but a real, gut wrenching, soul-opening, I-feel-like-I-just-got-punched-in-the-stomach cry?

You know the kind of cry I'm talking about....

The one that explodes from within you, the sheer force of it forcing you to your knees, leaving you to grasp for a counter top, chair, or sofa for support.

The one that unlocks the reservoirs of mucous stored up within you, so that each tear unleashes a deluge of snot that dribbles down your face...and into your mouth. (mmmm salty!)

The one that makes your stomach think you have to puke, so your abdominal wall contracts and spasms in painful dry heaves with each inhale.

The one where you vocalize all your ruminating thoughts between sobs...repeating certain words and phrases over and over, crying harder each time.

The one that leaves you with a migraine and feeling like your face is going to shatter because every bone from your jaw to your forehead hurts like hell, yo.

The one that reduces you to a babbling idiot-if you tried to explain what was wrong to someone during this type of cry, they wouldn't be able to understand a word you were saying-but to you you're making perfect sense

The one where you open your mouth but no sound comes out....you know the silent screams?

The one where your arms flail about hitting things (like pillows), you clench your fists in frustration, and you tug at your hair.

The one that you don't want anyone to see or hear so you try to hide it-most of the time unsuccessfully...silent screaming only works but for so long.

You know what kind of cry I'm talking about right?

That ugly, I-fell-into-a-black-hole, I'm-going-to-lose-my-@#$! cry where it feels like the world just sat on your face?

You've had those right?

Aren't they best and the worst?

The best because they feel so cleansing afterward, but the worst because they practically destroy you in the process...

You know what I find the most amusing about those type of sob fests? They always catch me off guard...like I'll be stressed but thinking I'm handling it all ok one minute and then BAM! On my floor, gripping my couch with fists clenched, tears leaving salt trails down my cheeks and snot hanging from my face to my knees the next minute.

It's the kind of cry that sneaks up on you and assaults you before you even have a chance to defend yourself....or at least run to a bathroom or closet so you can be annihilated in peace.

I was assaulted this week by such a cry.

I'd had a good day...but had seriously underestimated how much of an impact all of the surmounting school, financial, and mothering stress was having on me until it came crashing down on me like a tsunami after dinner.

I spent the next 2 hours crawling around my kitchen floor sounding like a babbling brook, trailing snot all over the place.

Yep. That was me. Sexy, no?

And you? When was your last weep-a-thon?