dave matthews band

Tis the Season...For Love & Light to Win

Confession: I was supposed to write this post yesterday, but I got caught up in

  • Wrapping gifts I didn't buy until Thursday
  • Sleeping
  • making HOMEMADE PopTarts for the-boys-who-won't-eat-anything.
  • Sleeping
  • Wiping yards of snot from Alex's nose
  • Cleaning
  • Trying to keep my emotions in check
  • Having theological debates on FB with legalists who claimed my heart ain't in the right place if my behind isn't in CHURCH on Christmas morning.
  • Having a dance/rock & roll/headbanging party complete with air guitar and fist pumping

It was a busy day, but the best one I've had since Monday night...when Alex spiked a fever of 103 that stayed til Wednesday WHILE suffering through an ear infection and lung congestion.  I hated this week and the way it made my life just ooze out of me. I'm so tired it feels like I've been pummeled with Chuck Norris' fists.  The stress of it  triggered my BP which led to mood swings and a mental nosedive into a low. We won't even talk about the side of holiday blues that edged it's way onto the plate as well. (Me+ Holidays=Depression)

But I will talk about the fact that when  I woke up yesterday, I felt strength I hadn't felt all week. It pulled me out of bed and helped me face the day...and Christmas.  It helped me quietly shake off the stress of the week and live free. I was able to laugh and enjoy the shenanigans that come with parenthood.  The reality of how different life is this Christmas still lingered, but I was able to avoid it's gaze and focus on the good stuff....

...like LOVE. That strength I felt when I woke up? It was love. I could feel it emanate from deep in the center of my heart and start to spread itself to every corner, every dark place inside of me. I read somewhere this week that Christmas originated out of a week long festival or celebratory season of light's victory over darkness. You know, the winter solstice stuff. While I choose to take this time of the year to celebrate the birth of my Savior, I can totally relate to celebrating light's beating the crap outta darkness. Who wouldn't? Yesterday that's what I felt: God's love for me shining bright and pushing back the darkness I had found myself in all week long.  It enabled me to take care of myself yesterday (on Self-Love Saturday) , something I'd been unable to do all week.

Wherever your source of love & light comes from, I really hope it finds you and fights for you when you need it to this holiday season. The holidays are rough to get through, especially if you've lost a loved one, are living with an illness (mental or otherwise), or have a loved one who is. Take heart. Focus on love. Let it triumph over the darkness you're in. Allow it to lift and support you so you can TAKE CARE OF YOU....which will guarantee you can take care of those in need and those around you.

Spending Christmas single, and with my boys in two different houses definitely isn't my ideal way to celebrate....but at least I still have love to rejoice over, right? From God, from my children, from my friends and other family members....I still have love.

And that?

Is enough. My prayer is that it's enough for you as well.

I've been playing these two songs since yesterday, and they are definitely two of my favorites....

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXe8PFKsOIc]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ]

MERRY CHRISTMAS y'all.

Dance Party Friday: Everyday LOVE Edition

Can we take a moment and just exhale?

Go ahead-breathe in very deep, all the way down to your core....hold it....and REEEELLLLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE.

Feel any better? I do. I can speak for myself & say that it's been quite a week, so taking a few moments for self-care just now makes me feel so good!

How was your week? Was it uneventful? Hectic? Overwhelming? Troubling? Too much? Awesome?

Mine? I've spent mine in the trenches, waging war against the Plague that invaded my house. Somehow Brennan is the only one who has managed to escape unscathed (so far). Alex not only had a cold but he was also teething on top it. I went to bed late Monday night with a pretty high fever & was told at the ER on Tuesday that I had strep throat & tonsillitis. Eh, can I get a side order of DEATH with my illness please? Thanks. Thank God for my ex-he was a lifesaver this week, taking care of me, cleaning my apartment, nagging me about my meds, and taking care of the boys. I wouldn't have stayed above water mentally had he not been here, let me tell you.

So I've been eating penicillin like tic-tacs and am feeling way better finally...despite the STYE I have on my left eye. (the rhyming was so unintentional, I promise you) This week my body has failed me miserably, but I'm alive, so I'm grateful :)

Since I'm under the weather, dancing this week is totally out of the question. I don't want to push it. I took a walk yesterday for some fresh air, and while I LOVED it, it wore me out & killed my back. SO, no dancing this week. But that's perfectly ok, because I still have something for you to enjoy (hopefully).

This week was a lot to handle, not just because I was sick, but because I watched someone get swallowed whole by despair. I watched someone stand on the edge of their life, of their sanity, and who was ready to step off. They didn't want to live anymore, they were weary of being under Bipolar's oppressive thumb, and honestly, I DON'T BLAME THEM. Living with a mental illness, especially one like bipolar disorder is far from easy. Just doing what it takes to make it manageable is not for the faint of heart. It literally feels like you're constantly swinging back & forth between life & death, and the intensity of what you feel.....I can't put into words how unbearable it is. For me, it got so bad that I spent a Friday night slicing into my wrist with a piece of glass just to let it out. ( still so grateful for The Band, who let me write that!)

So watching someone else be on the edge and understanding how hopeless you can feel in that state was terrifying. I've never met this person but I didn't want to imagine what it would be like to not have them in my life-even if it was just online or through a blog post. I watched someone else acknowledge that they aren't doing well either and that they are in a fragile state, that they needed help. And my heart broke for them this week. I thought about Strong Start Day & all of the moms out there who are struggling but aren't getting the real help they need for various reasons: shame, stigma, judgement, lack of insurance, resources or finances. And my heart broke for them. And I felt helpless. I asked God, "what can I do? How can I do something tangible to help?" The answer I got back was simple: "LOVE. LOVE THEM. In every & any way you can. Show them you love them."

So this video is about that. It's me trying to encourage anyone who needs it to hold on to love. When I think about where I was a year ago, when I just look back over my life & all I've been through, LOVE is what has kept me. God's love & the love of people He's placed in my life. LOVE is what makes an impact, what changes things, what leaves an indelible mark, what brings a person back from the edge....it's brought me back time & again. I'd be dead & gone without it!

LOVE has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks and I'll talk more about it & why in another post, but for now, just know that I'm being challenged to have everything I do for others & myself rooted in LOVE.

LOVE carries. LOVE heals.LOVE lifts. LOVE inspires. LOVE completes. LOVE strengthens. LOVE never fails us. Hold on to it with everything you have. I am. It's not easy, but I'm learning how to.....everyday.

It's Mental Health Awareness Week. This is for those of us battling, struggling with, recovering from, & triumphing over the parts of us that have malfunctioned. Keep holding on, keep kicking @$!, keep fighting....use LOVE as your weapon.

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/30204143]