transition

Confessing

I'm approaching week 38. Still contracting. Still not progressing much. As of Wednesday, after 15hrs of contractions? 1 1/2 cm and 50%. I startled my OB with my exclamation of "FUCK!" as he finished my cervical exam. Distraction has been my focus-anything to take my mind off my body, and keep edginess away. Last night's distraction wwas season 2 of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. This morning's was scrubbing the grout between the tiles in kitchen til they were white. I found the rhythmic motion and sound of the scrubbing brush and soapy floor sparkling in the sunlight from the kitchen windows soothing as I went about it.

Bertski came back from the run I practically pushed him out the door to take, and we took the boys for a bike riding lesson on their newly acquired bikes at the middle school track down the street. They rode, they ran, I sat and soaked in the sun before making way around the track as Busta Rhymes & Talib Kweli blared through my headphones.

Just now, while laying here listening to my family snore the afternoon away, confessed these words via text to a dear friend who's worried about how quiet I've been lately:

"I keep telling myself once I have the baby I'll feel sane again. And not this anxious desperate person with thoughts that are too loud & too fast and who wants out of her body. I think that's half the reason why I want to have him already. I haven't felt like myself much of this pregnancy and that unnerves me. "

I know it's normal for women to feel like they're going mad with the waiting and anticipation of baby's arrival and from the physical strain of the final weeks. I do. But I don't like it. It's unsettling. My mind can't take it, it's not wired to handle such things very well without help. (Meds, YAY!) I'm also an impatient person by nature and while my pain threshold is relatively high, being in pain and under physical stress daily is triggering for me mentally & emotionally.

I just want it to be over and have him in my arms and my own physical space back. I want my hormones adjusted, my mind off the hamster wheel and fully engaged with living and learning as a mother of three. I want newborn snuggles and laughter and to not be consumed with the obsessive, compelling need to have everything in its "right" place internally and externally, from my house to the cluttered corners of my mind. I want to feel like myself more often and be consumed with the goodness that's taking up residence in life as the year prepares to close. I want to be present, not lost traipsing the corridors of my mind waiting for them to empty so I can breathe freely again.

I want to run. Not away to escape, but toward. To freedom. To the woman waiting for me on the other side of this. She's fully enjoying the season that's ahead and I'm desperate to join her.

But it I have to wait and somehow make patience my virtue until it's time.

My body shakes with the hope that it's soon. Very soon.

Sometimes Life Happens so Fast You Can Barely Process it All

So. I haven't been here nearly as often as I wanted to this summer.

My goals for the summer included wanting to paint & write every day, even if it was just a little.

But things don't always go according to plan, no matter how good our intentions are.

Life doesn't always happen the way we plan or expect, right?

My life, our lives this summer have been consumed by change...transition.

From preparing for our move to Austin in just 13 days, to buying our first space shuttle (we refuse to call it a minivan) to family members getting sick, to me just becoming engrossed in just LIVING life, everything has happened so fast, I can barely process it all.

So, that's why I've been silent here. I've tried writing the words, my desire has been to document the nuances of this new season in our lives, but...the words haven't found me yet.

I'm hoping they will soon, but for now just know that I haven't forgotten about this space.

I'll be back...

Oh yea. I'm on my way to BlogHer. More than the conference itself I'm happy to finally meet those who have become friends over the past year, Jaime, Susan, and others.

So I'll fill you in on my experience there as well as everything else when I get back. Hopefully.

Hurricane Season

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBUn-2Ifso0]

Change. Upheaval. Shifting. Transitions. These are experiences I'm all too familiar with in my life. While I've always desired & have strived for some semblance of stability in my life, especially the last couple of years, this slippery little fella continues to prove elusive. I just. can't. get. my. hands. on . it. But I long for it, especially now that I'm a mother. It's something I want to be able to provide for my boys. But in my journey as a single/co- parent, it's a place I haven't been able to settle in yet. And it's a tad frustrating. It's like every 6 months I'm going through some kind of major shift or transition. I have my theories and thoughts about why this is, where it stems from & all that, but I'm to busy trying to survive the PMDD symptoms that are sucking the life out of me to go there today...

"I'm just a little bit afraid, of where I'm going, and it feels like a hurricane is blowing over...."

What I will say is that for the past 3 years, this cycle of upheaval, change, & transition always seems to kick off in July. I know, this probably sounds crazy, but I promise you, for the last 3 years, since Brennan was 7 months old, all hell breaks loose or major life changing/defining situations take place....In July. And usually lasts until around October. It's like my life enters this Hurricane Season only mine starts a month later & ends a month earlier. It's pure craziness. Emotionally, phyiscally, spiritually, & mentally, every July through October these areas of my life seem to just go haywire. I don't really know why this is, or what if any spiritual meaning this has for me-I mean I've talked to God about it, but only in the "hey God, I've been noticing that my life hits the fan every July-what's up with that dude?" manner. I haven't explored it any further, probably because I'm too busy trying to sandbag, board up & ride out the storms that are wreaking havoc on me. I'm too busy trying to survive the season with my sanity intact....and I haven't gotten any answers, so *shrugs* yea, I don't get what it's all about. When He clues me in, I'll be sure to write about it...

The thing is, when I do experience this season where multiple stressors clamoring are for the opportunity to push me over the edge I often find myself teetering on I often find that my emotions are robbed of the ability to articulate. Or if I'm having a Peter moment-you know, that moment where after you've gotten the courage to jump out of the boat and take a little stroll, you look down at the waters (that suddenly became choppy) and realize, "OMGGGGGG! I'M WALKING ON WATER! AND IT'S DARK AS THE ABYSS OUT HERE! WAIT-WHERE DID JESUS GO? WAS THAT REALLY HIM? OR WAS THAT MY MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON ME?! O.M.G! WALK ON WATER? WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING? HUMANS DON'T DO THIS..."-trying to find words that give voice to my swirling thoughts & emotions is like trying to get my 15 month old, Alex, to eat broccoli-It ain't happening.

That's why I'm so grateful for music, especially worship music or music with lyrics I can identify with. It's in music that I often find the voice my thoughts & emotions need to speak-to myself & more importantly to God.  So today, while cleaning up (something else I do when my life is in transition or upheaval & I feel like cleaning baseboards will take the edge off-and yes, it does) I shuffled through my iTunes library till my frenzied spirit found respite in one of my favorite albums: A Hundred More Years by Francesca Battistelli. Frannie. Beautiful Frannie with her guitar & simple lyrics gave me the words & voice I needed to talk to God today. Even to just take some time & just worship Him. To be reminded of who He is, in my life, & just in general. So even though I think I blew out the speakers on my laptop & probably made dogs howl within a 7 mile radius with my singing, I'm feeling a little calmer having released what my soul was longing to say. I can grip life again a little tighter, the flame of hope that had grown small & puny looking shines brighter & is bigger than it was before.

"I'm moving forward anyway with a promise, You are the anchor for my soul..."

And it's being able to have moments like this that will sustain me during this latest round of hurricane season in my life, as I try to pursue joy over happiness. Oh, as well as help me deal with the cranky Alex I woke up with my bad singing :)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv-2SUruayk]